I’ve been thinking a lot lately as per usual and wanted to write this entry. Not many people tend to see my non Daily post challenges, but hopefully if you are reading this then maybe you can do some reflection.
I’ve touched a bit on this subject before. Bullying and being a victim of it. But I failed to realize that I too have bullied people and have made people feel like crap. Realizing it was a somber feeling that took me back a bit to say the least. But hey, it’s clear as day in my head.
Human’s are not perfect. We have all erred at some point in our lives. Sometimes people have the sense of mind to look back at their actions and truly reflect on what they’ve done and how they’ve impacted people. Others seem to just live in blissful ignorance. I was bullied by a select few who made my life very uncomfortable in public school and High School, making me nervous and afraid to be myself. And that feeling manifested in me succumbing to THEIR thoughts and views on people which I carried out sometimes. Possibly in a way to hopefully impress them so they would leave me alone. I realize now how wrong that was. I was never physical with anyone however. I was too wiry and skinny to hold my own in a fight. But I would turn people away, genuine good people who wanted to be my friend because of the views that these select people had of them. I constantly find myself thinking and observing my past doings. Wondering what, if any wrongs I have caused. I shouldn’t hold so much against myself, and I certainly am trying not to because I was much, much younger when this was all happening. Nowadays, I really try and be the best person I can be. I’m not out to start shit with anyone. I don’t want people to feel like crap. I’ve felt like crap for the past I-don’t-even-know how many years now. I would NEVER wish those feelings on anyone. I just want to spread a message of positivity, happiness and being true to yourself.
I wish I didn’t let social pressures as a kid growing up in a small town dictate my actions around certain people who wanted to be my friend. I wish I could take back all of the things I said or did to make people upset. I know those people who may have been on the receiving end of my bullshit have grown up into some pretty great people. Whether or not they view the events of the past like I do, I hope that I get a chance to apologize to them.
But herein lies the dichotomy of this situation, if I ever saw those who made my life hell during my formative years, I genuinely don’t believe that I could forgive them. And to be honest, I don’t think I ever will. It’s not because I don’t want to. I’ve read that forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for yourself. I want to let go of the animosity and the bad feelings, but I feel like it’s a defense mechanism that has been ingrained in my brain at this point. Just the thought of those people stirs up such bad memories that I need to stop what I’m doing and clear my head or do something to take my mind off of the thoughts.
I hope that I never caused anyone as much trouble as I mentioned above. I have forgiven people in the past who have wronged me, as I will continue to do in the future. And just try to be the best version of myself that I can.