If there’s one theme I’ve been trying to accomplish more in my life, it is definitely to stand up to myself more and just be real. Well…here is a real truth.
I’m fucking depressed.
And I have been for quite some time. Like…the past 4 or 5 years to be honest. There are multiple reasons, but I wont get into all of them. Though I’m sure through my previous vague writings you could take a pretty accurate guess as to what would be ONE consistent theme. Lately though, it has just been the thought of my job and my desires for what I want to do.
See, I hate my job. I’ve made that clear for a while and make no effort to hide it. It is plain and simply a terrible place to work. I dedicate far too much time to that place. Far more than I need to. What I do there makes so little difference to the world. I am but a tiny spec and nobody special. I want out. I want to walk away from this poison and make my life better. But what has become painfully obvious to me is that I lack any crucial life skills to make a difference or get a ‘better’ job. I want to run away from my hometown and not return. Delete my Facebook. Just start a new life. Yet the fear of the unknown has kept me obediently in place. I daydream constantly, CONSTANTLY about getting away. It’s really the only thought that keeps me sane.
For the longest time now, I’ve been wanting to join the military. Again.
I was in high school when I gave the reserves a shot. Between me being WHOLLY unprepared/spoiled/too young/immature/weak minded/lacking discipline…you see where this is going. I didn’t even make it two weekends. I was an immature fuck-tard and rushed head first into something I should have taken some time to look into. And it is nobody’s fault my my own. But the more I read into it now however, the more I think it is exactly what I need in my life. Structure, dedication, discipline. Except the above factor plays in, and I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt.
I was never shown how to beat the voice in my head that told me “You can’t do it”. Then again, now that I think about it, not many people were. A vast majority of us will be fighting these battles at some point in our lives. And I hope, should anybody be reading this (doubtful) that you do manage to win your battle. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I guess the best way to accomplish victory is to stand up and face my demons face to face. To not back down, to look it in the eye and say “No, you move”.