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The Truth.

If there’s one theme I’ve been trying to accomplish more in my life, it is definitely to stand up to myself more and just be real. Well…here is a real truth.

I’m fucking depressed.

And I have been for quite some time. Like…the past 4 or 5 years to be honest. There are multiple reasons, but I wont get into all of them. Though I’m sure through my previous vague writings you could take a pretty accurate guess as to what would be ONE consistent theme. Lately though, it has just been the thought of my job and my desires for what I want to do.

See, I hate my job. I’ve made that clear for a while and make no effort to hide it. It is plain and simply a terrible place to work. I dedicate far too much time to that place. Far more than I need to. What I do there makes so little difference to the world. I am but a tiny spec and nobody special. I want out. I want to walk away from this poison and make my life better. But what has become painfully obvious to me is that I lack any crucial life skills to make a difference or get a ‘better’ job. I want to run away from my hometown and not return. Delete my Facebook. Just start a new life. Yet the fear of the unknown has kept me obediently in place. I daydream constantly, CONSTANTLY about getting away. It’s really the only thought that keeps me sane.

For the longest time now, I’ve been wanting to join the military. Again.

Yeah, again.

I was in high school when I gave the reserves a shot. Between me being WHOLLY unprepared/spoiled/too young/immature/weak minded/lacking discipline…you see where this is going. I didn’t even make it two weekends. I was an immature fuck-tard and rushed head first into something I should have taken some time to look into. And it is nobody’s fault my my own. But the more I read into it now however, the more I think it is exactly what I need in my life. Structure, dedication, discipline. Except the above factor plays in, and I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt.

I was never shown how to beat the voice in my head that told me “You can’t do it”. Then again, now that I think about it, not many people were. A vast majority of us will be fighting these battles at some point in our lives. And I hope, should anybody be reading this (doubtful) that you do manage to win your battle. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I guess the best way to accomplish victory is to stand up and face my demons face to face. To not back down, to look it in the eye and say “No, you move”.

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Positivity

I think one of the most positive things to ever happen to me has happened today.

I’ve been doing a lot of calisthenics/bodyweight exercises to help get me ready for a Tough Mudder I am doing. And for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I looked at myself today after getting caught in the rain and removing my shirt and immediately thought “Hey, I don’t look so bad!”. No hesitation, no forcing it, the thought just popped into my head. I’ve struggled with body image my whole life. To feel this thought is amazing. I have to keep going. I want to become the best version of me I can be.

 

Bryan.

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Islanders

What makes people/civilizations from Islands so tough? All throughout history, smaller Island nations have been the most vigorous, tough and ruthless in their conquests. Hell, Britain owned 1/4 of the world at one point I believe.

Japan’s history includes probably the most disciplined warriors to EVER walk the Earth. Pre WW2 Japanese warriors would rather give up their own life than surrender, seeing surrender as an unforgivable shame.

The brave men and women who set sail to find other lands for a more prosperous life have all but died out in this generation. There are many who still set sail for their country, proudly serving their nation with utmost bravery. In this time, we have found all there is to explore in land mass. I wish I could be alive in the future for a time where we get to explore and colonize other planets and sail the stars.

Sail

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Gaming has been ruined for me.

Maybe that statement is a bit dramatic, but I honestly feel like the past-time that helped shape so much of my current self just isn’t what it used to be.

Today I hopped on Overwatch to play some random matches and it was…disappointing. I am by no means the best player, but my forte’ growing up was always FPS’s (First Person Shooters). I’m not really used to these “Character” type of FPS’s because it involved learning a whole new playstyle that really went against my teachings of just “point and shoot with whatever weapon”. Now, each character you play has a different role and learning them can take some time and quite the amount of patience. As these types of FPS’s were coming into popularity, I was in school, left without a gaming computer due to a lack of funds and job obligations. So this whole genre was evolving and growing without me. Which now that I’ve (somewhat) sorted my life out and managed to get back into the scene, it’s filled with bratty, whiny teenagers with nothing better to do with their time than judge everyone.

I’m new to the game, and to be fair I am in no way expecting people to understand that or even have any idea about it other than observing me play. But in just one game, I was berated, belittled and just made to feel like shit about my lack of experience. What a great way to welcome me to the community right?

This in itself is pretty harmless. I really don’t take what they say to heart because why would I? They’re a bunch of teenagers/randoms who I don’t even know. What upsets me about this is how these types of people have infected a past time that I so very much enjoyed being a part of.

Gaming used to be so much better than this. It used to be my escape from the people who made my life miserable in High School or work. Now these people have come into the space I found comfort in and ruined it. It’s frustrating to say the least.

These experiences aren’t so bad when I’m with friends, but between trying to find time to sync and our work schedules, its nearly impossible. Guess I’ll just have to play more PvE games instead.

Signed, a frustrated Brian.

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